Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A return to self-discovery
I felt like breaking down to sob but I had nothing to cry about. I still have many problems but the major one has been conquered. Are we, as people, sadder if we have nothing to worry about, nothing more to anguish us? Do we create scenarios to fuel our troublesome addiction to grief? I do. I have. I don’t know why. Why do I love pain when it makes me feel so terrible? Many nights I have laid awake contemplating situations, relationships, and the inherent problems therein only to writhe in the pain they bring. I don’t enjoy these, I wish I could sleep. I wish I could breathe. I wish I wasn’t so lonely.
But I’m not lonely. I’m always lonely. People around me fill the void but not really. Their absence affects me greatly but their presence doesn’t do much to dull the pain I feel. When I knew someone would come home every night, I couldn’t soak up enough alone time. Now that things are different and no one is there, I have too much free time. Not that I miss the person. But a person, nonetheless, is what I desire.
Why do we have to fill our hearts with others to be complete? Why am I not enough to complete my self? I don’t want to have to rely on another person just to feel happy. In fact, I know that I don’t have to. I am I by my self. I must learn that happiness isn’t someone else. Happiness is finding me, discovering who I am. Maybe that is why happiness seems like a fleeting concept. One of the true and tough tests in life is self discovery. Many people spend their entire lives trying to figure out exactly who they are.
But it is simple. You are who you want to be. You are what you want to be. Who you are as a person is not confined by the external constraints of reality. Who you are is defined by you.
A man once said that the only true freedom is death. Another said that the truth will set you free. I say that the only real freedom is the truth. Death is but a release from the truth. Lies make up our society, no, humanity as a whole. We bask in treachery and feast in the deception. Even our daily interactions with each other are plagued by half-truths, false truths, and downright bullshit.
“But I have no worth, no purpose.”
“Then what are you hands for?”
“But no one cares about me.”
“Then what is your heart for?”